Kissapple

2012-01-08T11:16:00.001+08:00

I moved - http://wonderlandsputnik.blogspot.com/

Draw the curtains down

2012-01-07T10:32:00.002+08:00

I will now draw the curtains down to this blog. My words will be useless, for my actions now will be the drive to moving on. To pick myself and proceed on to recover from these unfortunate events. What happens here on, it is accountable only to me and no one else. I will rebuild an almost broken dream and I will succeed. I will be there more for my parents for they need me especially during this time. As for you, I am sorry that I made you feel this way, you are a war that I know I will lose but yet I remain fighting till I stopped breathing. If ever there is a time, I want us to start all over again and I will do it with us, you and me and not just you and peace....Hi, my name is Effendy Nordin.

My last post. pt3

2012-01-07T00:23:00.002+08:00

This truly is the greatest ever test of my life. How could these all happen to me.

She had walked out of my life completely. Then I lost a job. And today I got another phone call from my mom, saying she has low blood count as they suspected some problem and she is going to the hospital for a check-up. Really? Three unfortunate turn of events. What now? I am at lost. As I was going to pick myself up with the two. This came. I have to be strong still. I have to be there.I am tired. This will not pull me down. I will not let it. I have to be there for her. Breathe Effendy. Breathe. I really need to breathe.

My last post. pt2

2012-01-05T20:29:00.003+08:00

I am beaten and battered. I am kicked to the ground. This will be my greatest trial in my whole life. The irony of it all.

At the same time of the day I first received her text yesterday, Celina called today and that was that. I lost the other job. The irony. The bitterness sinks in deeper. What a start to 2012. I told myself the sun is shining. How she walked out like that out of my life and losing a job I hold dear to the people that I am surrounded with. I completely lost everything. I told myself- I remained strong and determined and perservere through it, just that now it was such a huge blow. To lose everything at such a time at such a start and at such speed. Having her to walk out like that and having to lose a job. One I have never felt before, probably the greatest. It all came crashing down like that!All I could do was to smile and smile. I am still chasing that dream, I will strive on. It won't kill me nor will I hurt myself. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror. Naked and cold. Trembling and breathing. I closed my eyes and feel an urge to break. But I do not let myself loose like that. I will not go down in such a way. That is not me.
I will carry on. I will strive. I will move. I will pick myself up. Though the burden and pain just got heavier. I will still help my brother. I will care for the people around me. I will still love her. I will still remain true to myself. I will become stronger. Breathe Effendy. Breathe easy. Life provides me trial and the way I am, I am designed to become stronger. But being strong comes with the price of pain. I won't say it does not hurt. But the truth remains. I am me. I am Effendy Nordin. I've gone through a lot and I will go through lots more and I am certain of. Maybe even bigger than now. But what is at hand is now. I have to pick myself up. The sun will shine still. The stars will fill the night sky. Beliefs and hope and in myself is the only salvation. It is me. I am me. Smile always. Be safe and well. Goodnight. Goodnight. Breathing.........

My last post.

2012-01-05T07:09:00.003+08:00

Consider this my last post in this blog. I write not in sorrow, anger or frustration. I write for what the voice inside is speaking.

I remain strong in the bitter winds of your decision. I remained chasing after a dream that has to be fulfil- it has to be, else my life is meaningless. I remain determined to do it. I remained not to be understood by others. They do not have a say in my life and decisions.
Have you stop to wonder and think, that the reason why I did all of those things- taking care of you, making sure you back safe and all that was not to "manipulate" you, but I sincerely cared and loved you and did so out of that cause. You did not ask for it, I presented it to you and you accepted it because you do not cast a doubt about my sincerity and now I feel you are wrong in that statement. Your heart is full of doubt and skepticism towards me and only me. Though your heart simply does not choose me because of it, I ask you now to look at all your past relationships. Look what happened to them. What fair judgement that you brought against me all this while? Dare I say this, that you, yourself are contradicting- my "but" may sway my decision but action my dear speaks volume I say. And your action and the things that happened to you and all turns that statement right back to you. I am sorry, this is what the voice in me is telling me. My dear, you are and your heart is casting a doubt over everything over what is true- you are an emotional turmoil, it is still immature of a way. I will admit this, you were blinded in uncertain about my sincerity in the beginning, and I do not blame you for that. It was maybe foolish on my part, I have yet to mature then. It was an immature approach.
I drink one too many, not because it helps to carry away any or all of the sorrows of me. No, I simply enjoyed it. If I had drink and let it be my solace away from those sorrows, I would have been a fucking drunk- who would beat up, and call the names. No, I remain in control to think.
I lost you one too many time, and found ourselves back again. But this time, I can't and will not lose you like this. Having to walk out of my life like that. To come back to an almost empty room and receiving that long text message. How could you. I implore you to not leave. I need you and you need me.
You are not the girl of my dream, you are not perfect and I am understanding you perfectly because you are as real as you are. I don't deserve better or the best. I just deserve you. Be fair to me and be kind.
Do you remember that night, when you came back and took my hand and said how amazing I am and all those things and plans for us. For the future. What was that all about to begin with? Which was what I said, you are hot one minute and cold the next and now your next move to do this? I was understanding you perfectly.
But now you dare put a mountain between us. I don't believe I deserve that. You may feel to do so, it's your decision. Me, I feel the bitterness of it.
You have made your decision. The only thing that you are right about is the fact you did not ask for it and that you were never fair to me, where others were. It was a mountain for me to climb. It was presented to you in honesty and sincerity,in the way I approach my life and that now the truth is reveal that it is real, you put your doubts into it. Stick by your decision if it is. I need you to consider everything that is said here and breathe and think and aligned your universe with your body and mind, as how you will always say. Allow me to reside in your heart. Allow me to. Through the bad and worst times, I stand by your side. I loved you then, I love you now, I will always love you and always will. It has truth and justified by my actions. I need you to justify yours. I remain for you. Thank you and I always be here. Goodnight.

2012-01-01T12:27:00.000+08:00

I need a hug
That is all

2011-12-25T17:03:00.001+08:00

What I really want is a paper and a charcoal
Or a Canvas and paints and brush
That is all I ever wanted and would want
That is all

2011-12-25T16:24:00.002+08:00

A father dances with her daughter at the bar
It was beautiful
An angel was on stage singing
Lovely tune and a beautiful woman
The bar was quiet on a Christmas eve evening
I stood at the bar ordering and listening and watching
I enjoyed it
Silence, distant and cold
To completely understands each other and transcends beyond words
A gloomy night
I took many shots of red
They call it the Red Santa
I found myself in the rain, forcing myself to see what I digested during the day
I came back to a wonderful surprise with my best friend and his girlfriend
It was a great spirit of exchange
I lied down on the bed with a heavy head and wondering where she was
Worried
I lay awake till the sky greets the morning
I feel relieve when finally knowing she is safe- but not from her

2011-12-18T10:01:00.002+08:00

I drank alot this week
I have too much for a good sorrow
From Lavilla to Five Izayaki to Harry's to South Coast to One Altitude
I just didn't want to be alone
The sorry looking bird
Morning comes and there is that old lady
Walking down the street
Age
Time has caught up with the memories

2011-12-18T09:37:00.002+08:00

Not being able to walk away
But not wanting to stay either
To sit and do nothing
To let her do what she needs to do to make herself feel better
To let her go
And if in the morning the sun still rises and my world is still intact
I am just going to let her be because that is how much i loved her
She is so weak and fragile
And sometimes I can't believe that she is the same girl I fell in love with in the beginning
Talks about life and love
Over drunk nights
To feel the distance even though she is so near
About life and its potential
All that matters to me is her still
To feel sorry for myself
To carve and build together
I have had no regrets in my life
It never gets to me
I hope she understands
It feels like the inevitable between me and her
I do not heed the words of friends
I am a fool in their eyes
And that never gets to me
I get tired sleeping on the couch honestly
I missed the norms of being in love
I might have missed Bebe, the one that probably might have saved me
I feel the heartbreak when I didn't return her calls
I wished I was there again
But this that I have now and I had all along will always be in my heart

2011-12-11T10:14:00.002+08:00

I look out of the window
And into the full bloom of the moon
Thinking and breathing
Like my father who stares into the emptiness of space
It feels I am seeing that in me as well
I am my father's son
I see it in his eyes
I see what he sees
A dream he never got to fulfil
A love he determined to keep
A life that is short
I sense it and I feel it
I see what he see
I am his blood, his life and as I am his
His is mine
But the law of nature permits such sorrow to overcome
For I am his son and I will overcome whatever shortfall he had
I will remain strong-hearted
I will remain me as me
I will give up everything for the woman I loved
I will sacrifice for my dreams
My content is in these two
For they are the absolute importance to me- a light that guides me along
My father did the same and never did happen
Which is why he looks life-less
His end is approaching and this life was never truly fulfil
If in my accomplishment of the two
He would know that his life is lived through mine
And mine through his
My success will be his greatest accomplishment
My father
I loved him

2011-12-11T04:02:00.002+08:00

Where there is no accusation
There is no denial
Every truth I needed was right in you
I take care of you when you are sick
I will by the bed side and make sure you are well
When you hungry, I will cook for you
I've cared for you
And I will always be by your side
But don't be surprise if there one day there is an eclipse
A ring I've kept
For someday when you are ready
All the beginnings and endings are about you and me
Through this time, I've been dying inside because you are still searching and learning
And patience is my greatest hope and salvation
Waiting for the love of a woman for seven years and more
A special person like you, I gladly throw in eternity
I never want to see you get hurt
I loved you too much for that to happen
For a fact and in honesty I am glad I know what is going on now
Even without having a word spoken
To be by someone at their best and worst
I hope someday you can say the same thing about me
I want you to neglect everything you heard about me
I want you to find out from me as how I found out from you
It's the greatest thing we can have in this life- choice
Yours and yours to keep
Goodnight :)

2011-12-04T14:06:00.002+08:00

My strength has its limit as well
A man who think he has no weakness is thought foolish
Each time I died inside I pick myself up and sometimes it gets so tiring
But will and hope was my salvation
One step closer
I see a light more gentle than anything I know
I care for you and my passion has push beyond what I can give
For a thousand more years?
I will gladly do
I don't want you to listen to others
I want you to listen to yourself
Indeed I am too good for you as many seen it and they say I was stupid
But you love, you have given me something that they have no idea
To break a wall that was supposedly unbreakable
A terrible hurt that strikes me as what made me who I am
You were that source of my inspiration
It is not valor or honor on my part
It is my undying love for you
Indeed our love is something special that no one has
But emotions plays a big part in this and there is always the yearning of the norm
Let me tell you this, I don't know what it is you looking for
All I know is I found it and I am willing to stay with it for eternity

2011-12-04T12:57:00.002+08:00

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" - M.M.

It was me

2011-12-03T19:28:00.002+08:00

It's not easy
Someone so sensitive and provoking
Do what you may and I will just keep by here
Yours is yours to keep
My pain is mine to keep

2011-12-03T19:22:00.003+08:00

Be strong in the decision you make
Be wise in its choice
Even if you take the wrong turn
Learned and learn well
To make the same is undoubtedly foolish
I am only by your side and that is all I can do for you
Do not worry too much about me
For I am strong as I come
I brave and soak it all harshness and pain
And I feel fine even if it hurts
I know and seen things
I sacrifice alot which is no amount would justify bringing it up
I look at the hooded man and I see the ages of which he went through
I stare out to the sky which I like to do cause my intention is real
It gives me hope and release because I know there is more to the possibility
I need you to be strong
I am giving you fire so you know what hurt is
And I will definitely be there to put it out if you need me to
I am engulf forever in that flame
It pains me and hurts me but I am that guy who walks with it
WHich is why to the sky is the possibility

2011-12-02T16:54:00.002+08:00

I am tired
And I am glad I had this time out
Like wine, it is that second sip that makes that difference
There is so much that I can do
So much I can sacrifice
So much that can be done
But I am just me

Hurtful and reckless
Sorrow and guilt
Sacrifice and pain
Tiredness and dreams
Hope and trust
Love, love above all

2011-11-27T17:45:00.002+08:00

I am Effendy
I fight for what I believe
I keep what I cherish
I love one
I sacrifice for one
I grow tired when things get too complicated
It makes me want to give up my dreams
But I am Effendy
I do not give up that easily
I will never give up
I care too much
I am nice
You can trust me or you don't- it's totally up to you
I believe in myself
I believe in the goodness of things
I see hope as my salvation
You are that one light which I can never see dying
My family, whom I will never disappoint
My brothers whom I loved
My parents, the supporter of my beliefs and my strength
My friends are my harsh-ers critics and joy
My love, my life my everything

2011-11-22T21:29:00.003+08:00

Sometimes after a long working day
That drains the life out of me
I just want to come back and spend as much as I can staying alive
To a warm embrace it lifts me up
I can do so much
But much as I am ambitious
I have my limitations
I make time to be with my family over the weekend
Now I am away everytime I see my father he seems to get old in age
My mom was telling me about his dream of opening his own flower shop
Flower arranging has always been his passion
Now in his conditions he shouldn't be doing all these
My father he gave me everything
My parents I loved them but something can never be forgiven
You, I loved you and I will take care of you
I will never let anyone hurt you like that
I want so much to see him
I am always here
You don't know it but ever since you are here I've sacrificing alot
And you don't have to know it
What matter is you are what matters to me that I am sacrificing all of these

Always I promised you and I promised you forever
And I do not care about what others say I will take care of you
In their eyes I am a fool but a fool that has given everything
Leave me as me
I give up everything for you and in return I want you to learn about yourself and your life

2011-11-22T21:24:00.002+08:00

My brother satria
I grew up with him and as far as blood goes he is my mother's son
He is my brother
All his life was about football
Everything
He lived up to his name of warrior in Sanskrit
He is a very good father and husband
He was very passionate in the things he did
He is a good man
A good leader
A good coach
As a brother he is one of the best
He gets along with my imran
My older brother Harry gets along well with me
We had our favorite but we are all brothers and we are a family

Powder Blue (Cat Power - Werewolf)

2011-11-19T09:15:00.000+08:00

The best and powerful scene in the movie powder blue. Not for the Jessica Biel's nudity but for the feel of guilt.

2011-11-19T08:53:00.002+08:00

Brutal man
Friday night in office till midnight
Last in the entire building
I feel at lost
A man after his dreams
Yet being at lost
I look at one direction
And that is that
Caught up in a dream that is yet to be here
A bottle of wine greeted me when I got back home
Delicate in its taste
I finished it
I look out
A wind-less night
I lay in bed, closed my eyes
And await for the next day to begin
I dreamt
A dream of you
That much I could say which I have put it down
I really meant it when I say
That I would marry you is when I am able to say No to you
Which I doubt will ever happen
But your optimism about it is no where possible for me
An instinct I picked up over the years I am with you
That when in the cab or anywhere, each time they suddenly break
I instinctinly put my arms around you
It has become a habit I didn't even realize I picked up
You are more important to me than anything else
I said it before and I've said it over and over again
I've shown it all the time
But now my dream has to be fulfil
But I want to let you know
I am still here
I am no going anywhere
To peace and love of our lifetime

2011-11-17T19:47:00.002+08:00

I don't mean to close the door
For the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheet and on my soul
You left me broke down
Begging for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who is deranged
He had your hands and my father's face
Another western vampire
Different time same place
I had dreams that brings me sadness
Stream much deeper than the river
Sorrow flow through me
Tiny bass of shivers
Corny movies makes me reminisce
They break me down easy on this generic love shit
First kiss, frog and princess.

2011-11-13T22:22:00.002+08:00

I won't be the one to save you
I won't be the knight in shining armor
I am there because I have to be there
I can't save you from self mutilation
I can give what I can give and more
The one thing that you want I couldn't give it is just because I can't
It is not because I didn't try
For you I have given nothing but the very best even for the 3 times fold
But sometimes it is what you need is what you need that I can't give
If ever you feel like hurting yourself
Tell me I will be there to see it
I won't stop you, but I will be there to see that you do not get hurt
It is your battle and not mine
I fought with mine and I won it
You were that battle and I won it entirely
The war is never over
But it is something I, myself manage to subdue it
It is not you
It was me
And I glad that you were the one that gave me that fight
I can't ask for anyone in this world other than you
I love you, yes I do
But love in general was not ours
Love for you to me was something I keep close to my heart
I know and remember everything there is to you
To learn then all there is I can add more to what I can do
I feel we will never stop at where we are
You and me
Never will
We are meant to do this forever- It is deep in my heart
I see you as you want me to see- fake or real
It was the illusion of things
I am who I have become
Because I know who I am
This is who I am
Fuck all other things that I have
I would give you all that I COULD give
And not all that you WANT me to give you
Because it is me and not you
You are who you need to be
You are you
Not me who define you or anyone else
But your strength, your weakness will be yours to keep
While I do in my attempt to make you realize it
I am not your friend or love or anything
But I am there because I love you and the simple truth is in it
There is nothing more
Go ahead and cry and bleed
I be there to watch it and heal your cuts and wipe your tears
Because that is what you will learn and yourself to heal it
Not me, not anyone else
You are on your own
I've learned the greatest thing in my life is you
This dream that I have to venture to make it true is so I need it
To give me my own courage and strength as much as you had gave it
That is all I can do
Beyond the surface you were always part of it
On my part I see it grow
But on yours I need you to see it burn
You are my greatest strength and being
You are the one I look up in the sky to send through to me
You were that one light
And forevwer will be
That is my line
As far as you are concern I will never cross that line
You have yours to fight and I am always there to support
Even if the entire world come crashing down on you
Allow me to say "you are not in this alone"
Because I am here
Because I will always be
I see it in your eyes
And I love you always
I give what I can give
It's never what you needed It is what I can do
Your monster is yours to fight
Allow me to see it
And I seen it
For that I will always love you
I cherish you the moment I said it
Have trust and faith in yourself
If in the subconscious that you need to be that monster
So be it
I am there no matter what
So long and goodbye will never be my saying
I am here and I will always be here
WHat I can give is what I can give
My very core of strength is in myself
And I hope you can learn a lesson or two from it
I want so much to give it to you
but you are you and I am myself
No matter what lies no matter what illusion or deception it is yours to keep
I for one have seen it all
I've given 7 years and I will still give you more because I can give only to you and no else
Sure I've made my peace with Becca and whoever now
But you
Will always be the one that i will grab your hand and hold it and point it above to the sky and say THIS IS IT
I said it once I said it again and I will say it forever
That I loved you for who you are
Your flaws is not mine to perfect
Your truth is not mine to judge
That is why you are so beautiful to me
That I put in place to everything
That I see it in everything I do
Because I see it in your eyes
And I see it in everything I do
And which is why I am searching away from you
So I could help you- and that is all I can do
I loved you and i always will
Thank you and goodnight

2011-11-06T09:55:00.003+08:00

It was an unwanted week this week. What I needed was rest and sleep but instead I got networking. I like it, but one too many beers on each day is not doing me good. It was a hectic one considering the work now for both SAP and Centaurs gearing in. Even on Friday as I was about to leave the office at 5.30pm, by far the earliest i intend, but suddenly the land line phone rang and now I see myself having to pack so many appointments and shifting here and there for the coming week! And I only got out on Friday at 7pm! Then had an appointment initially with Jason and Joe to bring them together with their entity to collaborate on some projects, but Jay had an unexpected eye surgery in the morning and I found him lying on the couch when I got back that Friday evening so I had to get together with Joe by myself. And how I found myself being dragged to the Jigasia private party at Avalon, I've no idea. I really needed a rest. I need to sort out the Phuket accounts for Centaurs as well and some past accounts which I did not handle but was the work of Celina- So i need to go back to that stupid folder with the invoice and the emails to dig up, and then balance out the accounts for Vicki for auditing later. But I kind of got the hang of it, though dreading it, but it is for my pursuit. I am happy to do it. =)

2011-11-05T15:42:00.001+08:00

Understanding is no problem.

2011-10-27T21:21:00.004+08:00

Finally I get a day for a breather
Tomorrow is my "off"
Whole day have to attend HR development workshop and ends with a dinner at the hotel
And then off to Clarke Quay for drinks with my new bros after that
Though the work for the end of the year is plenty but it could wait
As I really need this one day breather
Really, really badly
:)

It was kind of sad yesterday when I was in the office alone
On a public holiday, even though it wasn't the first time
Talking to Kriss from Phuket over the phone
She was asking when I was going to come over and have coffee
She is one of my business network and one of my vendor in Phuket
A sweet and lovely lady to work with
I really need that time away
But my mind is so drive by my dreams now
That there is no stopping
But nonetheless, it is a dream I desire most
And I will make it happen
=)

2011-10-23T11:57:00.001+08:00

A man
His life settled with others in tow
He feels like a solitary figure in a lonely world
Then he meets her
She, from the first glance, is strangely like home to him
Against the stigma, against the odds, he embraces her
He builds a home away from home with her
He sees the world like never before
He lives but in his descent, he grasps the details for what they are
Entirely real yet unreal
Sadness grips him
The road diverges
He stands at the fork with two tragic paths before him
Either way, a part of him will leave and turn to dust

2011-10-23T11:48:00.002+08:00

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
A place where I feel at home

I built a home for you and me
Until it disappeared from me and you
Now it's time to leave and turn to dust

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me

2011-10-23T11:01:00.002+08:00

It was just late last night
That I couldn't sleep
My body was tired
But I felt a miss
I flip through pictures on my phone
Memories of moments gone past
Something in me had that yearning
I dial the number
Wanting to hear a familiar voice at the other end of that dial tone
I had wanted to put it down but I can't stop from hearing to the end
A voice, a familiar voice came greeting
The first "hi"
Usually nowadays I picked up the phone and go " Hello, Effendy speaking"
This time round I stop short and just say hi after all she should know I was the one calling
Late night catching up over the phone
While she is sick
Nursing a terrible flu
I was stuck in bed trying to make things better and fine for her
Stories of past moments and updates of the things that was happening in her life
Which I am not part of
I wanted to say how much I miss having to wake up next to her
How badly things are and about my brother
A promise of a get together when she is better and I am not so caught with work
There is an intent that I should do more
I bid goodnight and sweet dreams
And soon enough I was off the phone and as I close my eyes
I let out a huge breather out

2011-10-23T01:01:00.002+08:00

When I find I have some time to spare I would cook. I use to cook alot but with so much time being used up and getting back all tired I will do some take away or ordering in. But when I do have the time to cook, I will cook a meal fit for a king. I love cooking. =)

2011-10-23T00:39:00.002+08:00

It was a long week. The friday night I was still in the office at 7pm. Richie suggest going to Harry's down at our building, so had to wait for him to be done with his work. Went up to his level and waited. Once that was done we proceeded to Harry's. Had a few beers and some nachos, talking about work and his new car. We were both very tired. I still have loads of work to do for Centaurs over the weekend. And then next week starting the plan for the first quarter events for next year. So will be a mad rush- because would need for Colin and Paul's approval before I can raise any PO to go ahead. With Irene out of action most of the time, I've stepped up and it is not getting any easier because of my other work with Centaurs. Which I am juggling both at the same time and there people who are making things difficult for me. But I don't blame them as rightfully they would want me to really commit myself to one and focus. I am not playing the "offer-me-the-deal" situation from both side. I am readily committed to both and I am remaining to keep my focus. I may have one or two minor lapse but I would not let that deter me. I was frank and up front with Ritchie- he wanted me to transfer into his team and department, but I have no interest in it at all. I intend to stick around with SAP for another year, and I am going to leave. I may even leave Centaurs at the same time as well and then I will proceed to go back to the industry, with such high profile projects now under my belt. I hope for the best for myself and for everything else. I am peace and I cherish life even more than ever. =)

2011-10-23T00:17:00.002+08:00

The old man sits outside the long and dim lit hallway
Smell of horrifying stench
Dust fill his house
Blackened walls
A small space for any movement
It is a terrible condition to live in
A terrible place to grow up
As I pass by some of the house along the hallway
A glimpse of the living state in the block
I saw three kids sitting in front of the tv
All three were barely 6 I reckon
And to grow up in such condition
Just make you realize how fortunate things are for you
And to feel pity
Yes I did but then I think about our society
How we have neglected them
Entirely may not be society's fault
Start with ourselves first before we see it in the lights of others
The old man was keep his lottery tickets from past years
Keeping them for reasons of his own
I really appreciate and admire such independent charitable organization
To deal with people like these and having to do this week in week out
It takes a lot both physically and mentally
They don't get much funding but they continue for if not for them
What would become of our society
They are the real heroes in my eyes
This week I've seen alot and it completely open my eyes to such insight
From the autistic kids to the cleaning up of the old folks estate
It was just a frightful insight for a country like Singapore that exist such
Terrifying things that we forget
They who run and volunteer their time to take care of these people
Who doesn't get any allowance or gains for doing such work
They don't appear on tv
They do this because of their beliefs and true kindness of which they grew up with
I really respect them
It was a huge honor to meet and know these kind of people
It is the truth, they are the real heroes
I will do my best to contribute within my means to help out

2011-10-19T22:03:00.002+08:00

Good time management
The key of a good time management is setting out a set of given time or timelines for yourself
If you find yourself working beyond them
It totally means you are unproductive
Which I completely agree
If I am working till late it means I am not making the best of my time
A memo needs at least an hour max to complete
Not 4 hours
It just means you are not being productive at your work
This is what I learned this is what I intend to apply
A good business sense
The know how of running the operations
Is what I can used for that dream of mine
The german has a good working habit
If they are required to work from 8.30am to 5.30pm they will stick to that
If they work beyond those time they believe they are not productive
Which I totally love and agree
No matter how busy you are always make time for people
I lived by that no matter how full my calendar is and no matter how tired I maybe
The people around me still matters
Rice is important but blood is priority and friends, friends are your pillar of a consciousness to know we still matters that they too are in the same shoe and yet able to be with you
It is an understanding of easiness
=) Peace

2011-10-18T19:36:00.002+08:00

Today was absolutey the most horrible ever
I am surrounded by people whom I work with to make me want to give up
And then the evening rain brought further misery
At one point I was going to say fuck you I quit
But that was not me at all
I am determine as hell to see all these through
If everything was so easy then we all be where we wanted
Life has a funny way of presenting it to you
I meditated on the way to the second office and clear my mind of such anger and negative-ness
I was at peace when I saw this little girl on the bus with her grandparents
Her hands touching the glass window of the bus while outside it was raining
I feel the innocence and it brought a smile to my face
Hope was all we can ask for really
At peace with life
At peace with oneself
I ask for nothing more
:)

2011-10-17T21:31:00.002+08:00

At this rate, I am losing friends
Is it worth it?
In all honesty, I believe so
But I am not losing completely
A man who has passion and desire to chase his dreams
With all his determination will remember who his true friends are in such moments
I have my critics
And they keep asking why
But I choose not to answer
I let my action be all the saying
I miss you to death
At the corner of my eyes I wish you could be here
But you showed me the way of being strong
Which I am in all honesty
If I had not been so I would have breakdown
But no
I am determined and in self control
Just this once is all I can ask for
As I seek for mine I hope you have seek yours
And found it
A peace of a lifetime
And nothing but best for you
=)

2011-10-16T13:15:00.002+08:00

"Rice maybe important, but blood is always priority"
That is what Alvin, my courier guy tells me
When we were having kopi at the coffeeshop after the charity work yesterday
Here is a 50 year old man who owns his own business and giving me advice on life and business
This courier job was his way of staying healthy
I really admire someone like him
He is a good man
I am really fortunate to meet these kind of people
This people with age and with it comes wisdom
Hearing their stories and giving advice
They know

2011-10-16T10:35:00.002+08:00

It feels good to do some charity work
I was never close to my grandma when she was alive
My mom hated her
And so I never got too close with her
But yesterday at the food distribution when I was helping this old lady with the groceries up to her house, I pity the condition she is in
No one to take care of and with severe problems
But yet she remain lively
That is really courageous of her
It was a good Saturday really doing some charitable work
And not spend it doing stupid things
To see things like this sometimes gets you wondering
I signed up for the visit to Dover Park hospice- bringing some joy and cheer to the old folks there. These folks have terminal illness and the least I can do is to bring a bit of joy.
I've also signed up to bring the Autistic Kids out for a day of pottery making
And there is also the cleaning up of the old folks home at Bendemeer estate.
It is a month of lots of charity work for me
But I don't see myself as a charitable person, I do what I can within my means
This is what I can do
=)

2011-10-15T09:41:00.002+08:00

How am I suppose to build up again a relationship that is on the brink of collapse?
God damn I love her
I can't stop this Tom Foolery
Surrounded by lustful women
I love Bebe still but that is the extent to which it goes

2011-10-14T21:28:00.002+08:00

I get pretty offended if you try to define me
I don't need anyone to define me
I am living it up
I go to sleep to a lullaby of cocorosie
I am not a bohemian
I am not a free spirited guy
I live by a set of rules I lay down for myself
And not in a bad boy kind of way
I set it as how I live my life
I love this job at SAP
But it is not what I am looking for
Turning corporate was never my thing to go for
But it just got to me
Prospect and money
Recognition and huge success
As Richie said
Do one corporate gala at SAP and I am set for the rest of my life
Easily any projects I can get if I have this on profile
Which is true, I am handling regional and Singapore
My dream of setting up an Arts promotion company will be based on my experience
In all kinds of field for any Arts and Entertainment and to the prospect of corporate clients in all kinds of products
After all Richie takes care of Talent acquisition in HR
He knows what the industries are looking for

2011-10-11T22:23:00.002+08:00

In that dream
My father was dead
I was recollecting the times he was around
In front of me was my mother
I closed my eyes and continue to think about when he was around
Those times I fondly remember him as my father
Memories within a dream
Then I open my eyes and burst in tears
I buried my face in my mother's lap
And I told her how much I missed him, that I didn't want to grow up
That I want him back
That I was sorry for everything
That I wished we didn't move out of that house
That I loved him
When he was wearing sarong at home, and how he will put his feet up and I will go in between the legs and as though it was a swing sitting in his sarong
I missed that
How he take me to school everyday
Waiting for mom to end work late at night with him downstair at the block playing the playground alone
I missed him
But that was a dream
And when I awoke
I cried out with fear from that dream
But I was far away from them
And it was a dream
These life was presented to me to find my own
I may have everything now, a life that would be the envy of many
But I lost it all
I want a better life for my parents
Though what they did to me I could not forgive
"Rice may come first but family is priority"
Mama. Papa.

2011-10-09T22:50:00.002+08:00

This weekend was full in its surprise
It shows the value that people sees in me
"God-send"
"Hey Fendy, great job. Start to finish, it was flawless"
"It was an amazing night"
"I knew everything would be alright, because I know you are there"
"You know I will stay to the end- I am the first and will be last to leave"
Two jobs whose products I have little or no interest of
But they require the function of my speciality
Two events happening back to back
And crazy night after
I told myself that I should balance it out
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy
And as hard as I work as hard I play
I really don't think much about what is happening with me and Bebe now
I lived mine for mine though she is part of it
But such is life
The Veronica, the Anne and the Emma
It feels like a rockstar
And I've been totally sucked into it
With the head of the regional IT wanting me to use my event as a platform for the new SAP demo pod and with such ties
With mobility and HANA coming through and wanting me to work with marketing and create the platform to showcase it
It is unbelievable they wanting me to do that even though Irene was there
My protocol is that I have to report to Irene
I am just trying to get over the week really
I leave this for the next one first
And one of the partners wants me to do a networking session(in other words, a party soon) for all the regional heads and senior execs
Again this is jumping the boat on their part
But its the top that is asking me to do it
There is no way Irene can not say no
Really this is amazing
This is truly remarkable
I feel on top of the world
Playing hard and working hard
I got the hang of it now
initially it was tough
But really it is amazing
Been invited to the after office drinking session with the partners next week
That wager with Harry which I will sort out the conditions when I see him again at Centaurs
Last night sudden plan for me and Harry to paint the town red after British Club
Two weekends straight of heavy partying and different women and yet remaining focus and working hard
Though it does not make me look good in the morning now
I thought I had bit off more than I could chew but I accommodate to it
But I still look up at the sky
after spending the night and morning at Veronica's place from last night in UE square
I left her place and yet I still feel empty
I feel I am missing something or someone
Would I give all these up?
Definitely I will

2011-10-08T13:47:00.002+08:00

A dangerous game I am playing
A very dangerous game that I am getting myself in
This will not change my pursuit
Where Bebe stands, where I stand and whoever else is in the mix
Maybe the whole of last night got to me
It happened in a moments folly
And I leave it as that
What will happen on Monday onwards is anybody's guess really
I am still hungover from last night and tonight will be another one with the other event at British Club
And didn't catch much sleep
It's been a month since I started at SAP and yesterday was the most proudest moment ever- and it's a start
The partners and senior execs and the department head finally notice me
It was brilliant really
And a wonderful evening
An evening that went amazing, even though it feels wrong
A good paying job, women, recognition from the top
It was like I signed a pact with the devil and he gave me all of it last night
I know I told myself I never turn corporate
But now finding myself in a suit, shirt, pants, nice shiny shoes
That is not what I really want
But all that I've been through is experience for me to finally realize that dream of mine

Catch your reflection at the corner of my eyes
The smile that I have was part of my life
It tells the truth
I don't take foolish advice or even from the wise one
I experience it and tell myself
I don't want to avoid things
I will go into it
I remain strong because of my dream and because of you
It brings me peace and calmness in my senses when I think about it
I can't teach you anything
I can hold your hand as you walk along your own life
Whether it is together or not I am always there
Never to be influence, never to be sway
I can teach, but I do not want any follower
You are allowed yours to live
It is your pursuit
Mine is here
I wouldn't want to share it with anyone but you
I look at the sun eclipsed by the gray clouds
Glimpse of its ray penetrating through the soft fluff yet terrifying clouds
Yet it remain beautiful
A life I hold as my own and not to anyone
People will keep asking me questions and have their doubts on my ability to remain focus and in control
I know myself- it is that confidence that brings the expectations of doing it
Because I strive to meet my own expectations and that is all
Because I only answer to myself and only me and no else
I am tired and weak but that never get me down
They asked how long can I last?
How long till I finally cave?
I will keep on going
As Sun Tzu mention that if you throw a soldier into a battle in the field he will gurantee you victory
Because he has to survive or be the one that will killed
His mentality is to survive and there is no way out
That is mine
I threw myself in there
There is no turning back
Never in my life
Soon

2011-10-06T20:40:00.002+08:00

I'm sick
A fever is turning up soon
And the cough is getting bad
Bad timing
I got the beer fest tomorrow for SAP
And then Saturday the function at British club
I still have to work
It won't keep me down
The syrup is making me drowsy but I need to wake up early still
I got to do this
My body is feeling weak and I need to rest now
Like in war don't be too over zealous
Rest now win the war another day

2011-10-04T19:45:00.002+08:00

Today I decided to give myself a 'break"
I went back early after two meeting and a conference call.
But I still brought back my working computer back home,
I haven't touch it yet.
Need a breather
So I am shutting myself up and ordering Thai for dinner
Kinda need this
So now waiting for my tom yum fried seafood and chicken pad Thai
That's a feast for me
Need a good long rest after that but will probably answer some emails first
That's the plan for this evening
Breathe*

2011-10-03T22:17:00.002+08:00

"You not the same Effendy. You are just not yourself"

"You look tired man....Who? Me?...Yeah...Yeah I am tired" (You have no idea)

"Do you think you can manage all of these projects, your time management?...Yes I think and I know I can do this, I have confidence in myself"

"Do you think you might be losing focus?...Of late, there maybe some minor lapse that I will admit"

"Do you love me or not?...I loved you but I've already given what I can give...Then do you still want to be with me?...I want to but well it is hard right now"

"ter-menung nampak"

"As a friend, I am advising you to not drive yourself up the wall"

"I don't know how you can tahan such a boss"

"How are you doing Effendy?"

It was the worst 3 days of my life so far. I am tired yet I remain at peace with myself- body mind and soul. I put my heart and faith in this. However heavy it is, I am carrying it. I smile and I moved on to doing it and I will still make jokes. Because I am a nice guy. I've gave what I can give and that is all. I won't cave in I am doing this more than anyone ever knows it. I want to die young as late as possible. Peace.

2011-10-02T20:47:00.002+08:00

I was about to snap just now to Bebe
But being me, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath
And gave it a second to let it all go through
I open my mouth and talk gently and peacefully
So she would understand
In haste and anger you won't find any consolation
I tried to make her understand and I think she did
I almost did snap really
The way my body can react
But my mind has to be in control
I do understand that with so many projects and workload that the people around me are affected
But I am doing my best
Sure I don't pick up calls or text when I am in a conference call or meeting
I would tell my friends that I am tired after a long day and also I have the other job to finish up
But really I am trying to make time for everyone
I am really sorry if they feel I am making them unwanted
But really I am not
I cherish them
What I am doing now is for myself
And as the people I love I just need their understanding and support
It's not about the money
But really my dream of owning an Arts promotion company require me to have enough to start off- both experience and financial foundation
Thats the reality of making it
Nothing comes by easy
You have to do all of these just to see it come through
People will kick me down throughout this time
But I will always pick myself up and keep on going no matter what
Because that is what I am
I do apologize to people around who may feel I neglected them
And yes I do know that even if I do achieve my dreams I will lose them
But I know I never really hurt anyone and I will never forget
That is all I can say for the time being
In due time, I will make good on those words
My close friends I never forget
I have never ever forget
I may be working hard, and my mind will always be on those workloads
But I have never forget every single thing that matters to me
You are the one I need
I love you because of everything that has happened
Nothing can ever make me give it all up
Except only you
With no hesitation
I want to run as fast as I can
Bebe, I've never neglected you
I am doing all I can, no matter how tired I maybe I am still there
I am there no matter what
At the end of the such a long and hectic day I will listen to you and ask about yours
And all I expect in return was a hug and kiss, and telling me everything is going to be alright
But that would have been best for me
But in honesty, you are telling me the truth and for that I have no reason to snap which I told myself that to allow me to cool down
You have every right to speak your mind and I fully respect that honestly
I don't wish to be alone but sometimes more often than so I find myself in that situation now
That those mad rush of being here and there till late and then again even at home when I try to sit and enjoy my dinner my mind will still be on it
That my entitlement of leave from my jobs would be used for other jobs and projects as well
That is the reality now
Really, because I am expected it to be the case
The root of hardwork bears the fruit of success
And that is the only known now
Yet I smile
=)
xoxo

2011-10-01T14:16:00.002+08:00

I am shooting for the star
I put my faith
My belief
My soul
My strength in this
A dream that finally define me
That dream is all I am
I have no desire to give up on it
This life had me wanting to say "I quit"
But that is not me at all
I don't care about anything else
I am up there
But I still look up at the sky
Lying on the pavement looking up into the dark sky fill with glorious pinholes
Radiant and glowing
Listening to songs that yearns to being young forever
We were kids then
But life had began when we didn't even realise it
I am no exception
I put everything down on the line now
Love
Love had got me going
A strength I grew on
I see passion in everything I do for only when you tasted it's full potential do you realize it's miss
Life is a calling for the end
I meditate because it gives me a clearer sense of understanding of my body in this life
I am "nice" because that is just me
Funny how people perceive me and predict about my future- even close friends
Just goes to show we are who we are and we are who we define ourselves and not to others
Their view is theirs to perceive- just illusions and delusions
And it is for them to keep
I live to define myself not to others
That is all
I can celebrate my life because I lived it
=)

2011-10-01T14:07:00.003+08:00

2011-09-30T00:28:00.002+08:00

A life of chasing dreams
I can't lose you like that
I think I can still salvage this
Be patient with me
It was in the heat of the moment wasn't it
You know how easily tired I get nowadays
I don't want to be alone now
Not now
I am scared
I really am because this dream has taken me somewhere
And I don't wish to be alone for it
But I will put priority for work now
That dream

2011-09-28T21:26:00.002+08:00

All I know now is when I look up to the sky
The possibilities is far reaching
But it feels so close
My head is exploding with the endless work flow
I may have bit more than I could chew
And in the process have turn some eyes on me on my ability to stay afloat
No girlfriend
No social life
All for the pursuit of something better for the future
My dreams
My dreams is what kept me alive
But sometimes I wonder if ever it was practical
I believe it is
And hope- hope is what keeps me alive today
I wake early early feeling tired and drain and come back late at night
This for every week
I rarely go back to my parent's place nowadays
At times I feel lonely
But then I look up to the sky
And I tell myself
Keep the dream alive and eventually it pays off
Why I cling on to such patience
Because I experience it before
That having a sense of patience and hardwork has its great rewards
Now it's a little intense but it will never beat me down
This is what it is all about
Seeing that dream come alive
That I can say I did it
That nothing is impossible
Everything will be alright
Everything is fine
This is it
A man in the pursuit of his dreams- some sacrifices are sometimes needed
I did it all
And I will do it again
I will do it again
The sky was as lovely as it was in the yesteryears
My only regret is that I lose my innocene before I could cherish it
That what I really would have been different was that I didn't lose that home in Toa Payoh
That I was really happy then
I remember a small house
Everyone was happy
I wish I had that again when I pass by such old flats
I remember those happy moments we had
That is my other dream to start a family just like that and make sure my children don't lose it like I did
=)=)

2011-09-25T19:01:00.002+08:00

Nurture hope
For it is the only salvation we have
We may not have powers
But nothing could be impossible
Life is one short trip
What we set out to do can be frustrating
I don't blame anyone
They have all the rights to do what they want
From here on I am chasing that dream
That is how I celebrate mine
And if anyone asked if how they would like to honor me
Do so by celebrating their own life
Because that will be the reflection of which I did mine
I may not have all the riches in the world
But to be simply content and achieve my dream
Is all I ever set out for
In a life of peace and happiness; sadness and anger has no place here
The natural course of men to survive above others
Makes me no different
But I did mine differently
I will not give up no matter where it takes me
That is me
That is just me
And how I did it in my own right which no one can take away from me
I don't mind getting the stick
It's a lesson learned for us
As a friend, you told me I have no right to do so many things
Because no one can
But that is your belief
If your faith and trust in me
You will know I am capable of these
We will see how in the next few months
But I will always prove a point
Like I always do
I will always help a friend no matter what happened
A friend in which I define who trusted my capabilities and truly supported
You have every right to speak your mind
And I didn't take it with any harshness because as I said I prefer it that way
Because I like to prove a point
=)

2011-09-24T15:03:00.002+08:00

When work gets to me I will escape from my level to 3rd floor in one of the huddle rooms and just be and meditate by myself and look out. That is the only solace for me, to breathe easy and look out to sky.

2011-09-18T12:32:00.003+08:00

A life of chasing dreams
The what if never got me down
Even when rainbows wept
There will be a kaleidoscope of beautiful colors on the sidewalks
I will keep running for it
If you asked me to slow down
I will hear it
But I won't
People asked me why
I tell them I am a dreamer
A dreamer who is determined to make it real
My measure of who or what I am is determined by it
All of our life we have come up against disappointment and happiness
Even if I die and I didn't achieve it
I can say, that I attempted it
That I gave the strength, the commitment, the dedication and the belief in it
And that is how everything in my life is reflected
That I will be content that I done that
I won't be the guy who had a dream but never try to fulfil it
A man who had lost his soul in it
The greatest conquest anyone can reach is to conquer his own life
And I've done that
I am proud of my stand
I am thankful and blessed with the people around me- families, friends and enemies
I am here because of them
I look up at the sky and the color blue gets me passionate about this whole existence
That I always wanted to be an artist, what I am doing is an art
We are all artists in this life
How we paint and interpret it is based on ourselves
So in a way I never gave up that dream of becoming an artist
This is my work- my life
I meditate and feel the existence of my body and my place and stand in this world
It helps me get through to the understanding of such simplicity
As a whole it is quite complex
But you need to break it down to its finer pieces and you can see it
That is what it does to me
It allows me to be at peace
Because if you fully grasp and understand it only then you could be at peace
My body is wearing me down
But it is only in the outer layer of us
If the mind is strong, then your body has that extended capacity to do anything
No matter how tired or how busy I maybe
You can lose the people around you
I will be there no matter what
I will run down towns just to get to you
That is just me and me alone
=)

2011-09-17T11:37:00.002+08:00

Jay had been sick for the past 3 days and have been cooped up at home. I have been busy so often when I get back he would be in bed by then and it was hard to hang out and watched 3 and a half men! So I tried knocking off early yesterday at 8 and brought my work back home to do over the weekends. I got to send in a proposal on Monday for great wall marathon in Beijing next year. So when I knock off work went to giant supermarket at vivo and decided to make beef stew. It was delicious and we finish the whole thing while watching criminal minds. I will make it again!

2011-09-17T11:13:00.002+08:00

The past two weeks been extremely busy. Having to come back late and waking up in the early morning and my eyebags getting worse. It is really tough. Don't know if I am able to write as often as I could. But I will definitely try. My current stand now is chasing after that dream, it is what keeps me going. It is what makes me able to get up early. I survive solely now on nicotine and caffeine- food didn't matter much nowadays. I will admit I am really tired- really really tired. That when I lay on my bed and close my eyes I would be fast asleep. Sometimes I love those dreams. I didn't get a chance to go back to my Parents place nowadays. When the weekend comes I bring my computer back home to work- with the q3 closing and we in q4 and then the start of the new quarters- lots of planning and proposal has to be done. I am trying my best to make time for my friends and family- I am really trying. Everyone telling me to slow it down, but I can't really. my brother Harry advise me not to forget the people around me and to take good care of myself. He knows and I am trying to do that. I see him eat that hamburger like he never ate it before. Every bite he takes in his flavor. How simple that food was. I promised myself I will help him and I will. I am trying no matter what my aspiration for my dreams. I will make good on everything I say. At the end of the day no matter what happens you have to smile. Even if you fail cause in the attempt of it proves who you are.

2011-09-11T21:45:00.003+08:00

I told myself
I want to be the greatest
Since young I've been telling myself that
It is now and now
Look at the thinkers and fighters of ancient
I wrote an essay on how I will conquer the world when I was young
And got the highest mark in class for it
To my english teacher it maybe some words of fiction
But it was my dream
To become the greatest in my life
Now I am at an age where I could realize it more than ever
I am not going to conquer cities or change and sway the minds of others
No, I am going to conquer my own life
A life that is now full of meaning
A life I know that it is me
That no one can away from
The greatest thing that anyone can do in life is to conquer their own
Not countries, not killing- but to purge what is not needed in your own life
To make it so you can tell them about yourself
Pride is seen as a sin
But that is what makes the victor stand out
Their confidence and hardwork pays off in more ways than one
Conquer your life and you conquer your stand in the world- in this existence
That is what matters most to me
I've devoted myself entirely to being happy and at peace with myself because it allows me to
I want to be with you but I need to let you be free
Because the only way that we can be together is so you can be as strong as I am
Because only as strong as you get you realize how full of a potential life is
That through our mistakes and lessons do we know how to appreciate everything
You maybe at peace
Grab hold of it tight and never let go
I don't intend to take it away
Because you have to conquer your own life
I can be so much as an ally to help you find it
It is up to you how you want to make it
I will do anything to make it so you can do it on your own and not depend on me or anyone else
Even though there is a high chance in the eventuality that I won't be there
7 years you know
24 is the age of my existence now
When I was 4 and I picked up that glorious book was when my life started
That it took me this far
How easily that book on ideology swayed me to my present stands making me as me
I've never regret giving up my toys for it
I see every problems with solutions
Nothing is impossible if you have put life decisions in the palm of your own hand
It makes everything- everything brilliant
Forgive me if I am a man of my own pursuit of dreams
Because it is what I live for
For this existence is my platform for greatness of my own life
That I am a man who comes as being passionate about everything, even in love
To be entirely devoted
A student of my own knowledge
To understand my life in this existence
This is where I am now
This is it
=)

Kid Cudi, MGMT & Ratatat, Pursuit of Happiness (Nightmare).

2011-09-11T17:40:00.000+08:00

My favorite song of all time! I love this performance cause it is so simple with powerful lyrics and his hand gestures and the fact he might be high.

TBS MakeDamnSure Original

2011-09-11T17:37:00.000+08:00

It is secondary school all over again.

The Kooks Seaside

2011-09-11T17:34:00.000+08:00

This is for Maldives next year!

2011-09-11T16:33:00.003+08:00

I really don't care too much if you don't want to go
I said that there is no one that I would want to see the world except with you
And I remain true to it
Which is why I will probably travel there alone
It really doesn't matter to me that much
But it would have been great for you to see what I see
I've seen a lot of beautiful things here which you might not have seen
Which is why when I look at it; I wish you were there to witness it as well
I wouldn't want it any other way
I can't take back all the things I said
Whatever the reason maybe
Keep it
I don't need an explanation
We don't need one because I understand you perfectly
And you understand me perfectly too
As I said you are the getting predictable to me
And please don't take it that I am mad or angry
I am not really; I've learned about acceptance of individuals a long time ago
You can't really forced anyone to do anything
You are answerable to yourself and only yourself- not to anyone else
It is yours and not mine to be bother with
If your stand feels that you need to apologize and explain to me then by all means
Go ahead
For me I really don't care too much about it
I will just said it is alright and we move on
Because when you said no, it simply means no
And when you said yes, it is just yes
Nothing to beat around about
Because when it comes to you
I sincerely understand you
I know your problems and I am pretty sure it has got to do with one of it
Or the fact remains you are afraid about the closeness and about your job
For me really, I am still with Bebe
And yes I might gave her that whole white lies to cover up so many things
To spare her from the truth
Because being me I put my middle finger up and tell the whole world that I don't give a fuck because this is mine and mine alone
Even to Bebe and even to my job
But that is me
Yes, the thought did came to bring Bebe away instead
But really I am true to my word
And I stick by my decision
I know that my commitment to my jobs and her rehearsals and shows will factor in the fact we be far apart and I will do that slowly
Letting her go
And that will be another one in the dump
In a relationship, we have our ups and downs
But being in one both have to make it work
Me? Seeing where this is leading and being me
We will just let it be
I am scared of being alone but like all my other fears
I look at this one and I tell it I will overcome you and I will
I am a man who overcomes his fears and any challenges that comes my way
I've done it all
The only one that I can't is mortality
It is beyond me- but what I can do in this existence is to make the best out of myself and to myself only and the people I love
By letting them lived theirs through their own life and decisions
And not let things or anyone affect it
I am tired really, though it is only the first week of something big in my life
I have to perserve through for my dreams
And that is all that matters
I worked 6 days a week from 8am to midnight and at times maybe even later
And depending on certain events it is a full week
It is tough and exhausting but I don't mind one bit
People told me to slow it down
but like the song
"I am screaming out fuck that
I am going do just what I want looking ahead and no turning
If I fall; if I die
Know that I lived it to the fullest
If I fall; If I die
Know that I've missed some bullets"
Whatever it is you are always a part of it
Because it is for the future
A great future for myself
I hope you will yours as well
To finding it
And I intend to help you find it
Let us drink to that
And I sincerely hope you understand me now
=)
It has been a while
I've dream about you from time to time
There is one where you pregnant, I wasn't the father
But I was there and protected you from the evil
But it was just a dream
Those kind of dreams which I've totally dismiss it so often now
Because I realize they exist in the subconscious of minds of any truth
And that is all
Though is fun and interesting that it is

2011-09-11T16:29:00.002+08:00

I saw my older brother today
He has lost so much weight
I kissed his hand and gave him a hug
And I was holding back my tears
I don't my nephews and niece to see me crying
I missed him
And I felt so relieve to see him
I am going to help him
He still has to clear those payments of about 140K
And he was saying he needed the help
And I will
Though I can't clear it all
But I can help him as much as I can
I told that to my other brother
For what he has done for all of us
I think it is rightfully so we help him now
I am going to work my ass off to help him
For you my brother
I love you

2011-09-10T13:57:00.003+08:00

I am thankful of this life
I am thankful to become the person I am
I am blessed with people I hate to lose
I am thankful my brother has been released
I am thankful that I've lived this life
I am thankful that by becoming the person that I am I am able to face the challenges ahead
I am thankful for this happiness and tranquil state I am in
I maybe exhausted out of my mind and push the limit of my body
But I feel blessed to be able to know the intensity of life such as that
I am blessed with loving someone that brings about the passion in me that strikes out the very nature of common love and bring it beyond it
I am just thankful that much is what I can give myself
=)

2011-09-10T13:27:00.002+08:00

I got three desk at 3 different places- One is at home, one is in Centaurs and the other at SAP. And whichever of the desk, I now have to have two computers side by side cause SAP being very confidential about their documents have to only access through the other computer and I have a VPN card I carry everywhere so I can access through the server that keeps generating from Germany. It is so high tech and their protocols are so efficient. Which is what I am picking up and hopefully I could use for my own project. It's part of learning. Different organization has different way of running things, and I pick up all those that are efficient and productive to ensure my dream will be able to replicate such effectiveness! Which is part of the reason why I am jumping around here and there. =)

2011-09-10T12:39:00.008+08:00

It was a tiring tiring week. Now they now about my capability. It just blew me away the workload with juggling two jobs. Now I am at Centaurs office to update the server, cause I wasn't in the whole week due to the huge workload at SAP- alone in the office on Saturday. Bebe is recovering from last night outing, and so I am here alone. I am tired- really really exhausted. But I am still breathing, though it is only been a week. I am still living a life of wonders. It is tiring but the good kind, because you know what to expect at the end of it. It is a great satisfaction for me. I am venturing beyond it. I tell people of my dreams and they mention they would want to work for me when that happens, but I told them- "I am not looking for people to work for me; I am looking for capable and hardworking people to work with me."
I never have the intention that when I do set up the company, I would have people working for me. On paper- yes. In the culture of business of an organization you need to designate post and all. But the truth of the matter is, I want to work with them. That is why I prefer to have a shophouse office rather than a big level of a big building and let each senior executives and managers handle their own team. I want everyone to be part of A team- helping each other out for the success of the company.
I really want that.

I spend the Thursday after the event at Prive at Marina Keppel there. Lovely place with all the yachts at the docks in front of us. Very quiet as it is not quite accessible unless you driving in. It was beautiful- reminds me of Raffles dock with Bebe.

My dreams

2011-09-09T23:07:00.000+08:00

Someone asked me recently,
"Why are you working so hard?"
"Are you an workaholic?"
I told her I had a dream
I want to start my own Arts promotion company
It has always been that reason
Something my passion lies
My dream will be based on hard work and monentary gains and experience
I intend to achieve that dream- it drives me through this tiring and exhausting life I have now
Coming back home at close to midnight and waking up early and be the first one in the building
And having two jobs allows me to get more projects under my wings
Allows me to learn
Everyone mention how good a project working in SAP is
How big they are and a boost for my background
It is big
It is nice
But I don't intend to stay long
My end would be to realize that dream
I work hard now for myself and for the people that plays a part in giving me that motivation
Let me tell you more about my dreams
I want to own an Arts promotion company that will generate enough credit in the art scene here and in the region
Value added would be something big- my primary would be definitely bigger audience of youth. My niche audience would be those for high art
I've work out roughly the details a long time ago
I want a shop house office.
Now I am working in a big building with so many levels, it totally left being depress
Sure it shows how big they are looking at the head count to supplement the business
Mine? mine would be big too lead by capable people
The shophouse office is what I've grown upon
How everyone gets along so well with each other
No one is left behind for lunch
You don't separate higher management from the middle
The music will be playing and everyone is helping each other out
I like that
I would like to start a family, yes.
Having a good house- don't have to be big
Good enough for where the kids can play around and grow up in
I'll still work hard then
No matter what, I'll still carry chairs or whatever is needed to make sure everything is perfect
It is that satisfaction that I get out of it
I want my children to grow up knowing about the world
And I want my wife to have an easy life and how she wants it
I will support them in everything they do
I want to tuck my children in and read them bed time stories
Like how my brother does it
I want to kiss them goodnight and tell them how much I love them
And I want to kiss my wife goodnight for being the mother of my child, my partner, my lover, my friend and my soul mate
I give her one last kiss on the forehead and welcome her dreams
I will remain that person still
But I know I've achieve my dreams
I know and I will
I am driven by that even though the hard work may deter me
But as I told her when she asked me
I will never give up no matter how tough it gets
All my life I have never gave up on the things I love
I am here because of it and it is getting me closer to that dream
Living on my own, having to take care of the people , having to depend on myself entirely, working hard- it is all the basis of what my dreams will carved out of
I bid myself luck and to welcome happiness and peace
=)

2011-09-06T23:15:00.002+08:00

Fuck. I worked 16 hours today!
Second day and I did not eat. I am depending on nicotine and caffeine and even then the 2 day only a pack and 3 cup of coffee! I am now on the way back and will take a shower and do my centaurs email. Some of which require my attention!
I missed out on oli's farewell get together. Called celina up to put him on the phone. Everyone was concern for me not to overwork. I feel I am doing alright but that might just be me being over zealous. This is fine really, Tim my boss from centaurs is asking us to think of ideas of generating profit from events, which was brought up at the meeting just now where I was not present- filled in by celina.
I feel tired but I don't show it really.
This is what I am gonna do. It is tough, but I have to do it really.
I miss you,
I am sorry.

2011-09-05T22:57:00.003+08:00

Today was so fucking intense man
I think I bit off more than I could chew
I was there at 8am and was the first one there and I left the place at 8pm, the last one out of that freaking building.
They occupied 5 levels of the glass monster building- Legal department, marketing department, HR and all of it.
Pretty nice, the architecture and the interior, freaking huge pantry with all kinds of drinks and snacks.
The first day wasn't so welcoming as I expect, I was given a whole load of work pile on my desk and they straight away put me in to do the Life Service award this thursday at Prive restaurant and now I am handling all of that. This is brutal. As soon as i got my laptop i was bombarded with emails and I didn't even read most of it before I left. I was so caught up with the workload I didn't even have time to read any of it, all I did was flagged down those that were important just by reading the title.
I am doing the presentation for tomorrow's Centaurs meeting- my other job, which I won't even be there. I am sending it through to Celina and she will do the presentation. I am going to stay the whole night doing that!
This is intense I didn't even eat today- only had a cup of coffee and a smoke break.
Tomorrow there are still loads to do!
I am spinning my head
It's not easy, with more success and more jobs it is becoming brutal.
But being me I always put a smile and carry on. Though I know it is going to kill me and I am not writing this for sympathy. I am documenting my life as how it happened, so I won't forget what I gone through and never look down when you are on the top.
My dream is to open an Arts Promotion Company and through what I've learned and achieve and the monentary gains will go into it. That is my dream for the future. So I don't care about long hours and all that. I am working hard for us- including myself.
You don't have to worry about anything. I will do this and I will succeed. I am determined and I will strive.
No matter how sorry they are that they giving me so many work- Irene was the one, she is my manager. But all I can say to her was "why are you so sorry" I wanted to end the sentence and siad "you doing me a huge favor"
At this rate, I could achieve it.
I want to tell you personally about my future plans
I am aiming for next year's after March where I would probably can save up to more than 10K- including the 4.2K bonus we agreed on in the contract. I am looking forward to that.
I know money is materialistic, but I want a good future for us. A good and bright future for us.
You and me and the world
I am willing to sacrifice for the future, and I love it.
Which is why I am giving it all up now partly, to focus on my career
But I know I will still be that simple man
I've done nothing in my life that I benefit from, I willingly do it for others
It is what I am
That is me and I can't find any reason to give that up
It really is me
I always hunger for success though I never get to taste the fruit it bears
But that is just me
That is just me
I see my future with building a huge bookcase for my children- personally build it. In a room, in a good house- doesn't have to be a big house, but good enough for all of us. I want them to know things, to be worldly and knowledgable and let them decide what they want to do with it. But I will always be there to support any of their decision. I want them to be like my little niece, who wakes up and the first one she called out was her father- my brother. And in his arms he felt safe. I want that. I want my son to come up to me and tell me he had lost his virginity to a girl of his dream. I want to read them stories and tell them of how glorious books are. And I want them to realize their potentials not only as a human being but beyond it. I want them to grow up happy and be at peace with themselves. To show hatred is to show weakness. The greatest of joy that I feel about being a father is seeing your children surpassing you and letting him live a life of his own decision- good or bad, I will always be there.
Thank you

2011-09-04T22:43:00.002+08:00

I was meditating and I was giving my state a chance to recover for the coming week
I just realized you had asked me a fair and good question that night
Why Bebe? And I never really dwell upon that
I asked myself that too, but never really go into it
The only fair response then and there I could tell us was-
I was getting old and I wanted a good mother for my children
And that was the only simple fact I could give myself
What was I thinking? Is it so flaw that of my own being that I needed someone
Because I realize I am scared of loneliness
I am
That space set between us made me feel lonely when I am not next to you
And so much that I made the rationality of being with her
And so did you
It is that flaw as human that we yearn and require to be with someone- even though they maybe wrong for us
That craving as men we want to prove our stand as someone who can provide and give security
And women to be made to feel they are the centre of everything no matter who they are with
I believe that is what happened to my parents- they never gave it a thought before they got married which is what is happening now
I don't want that
I really don't want that!
I am scared for that
Truly afraid of being in a relationship like them and how others are affected
I don't want that
I don't want my children growing up hating me
I don't want to do what my mother did to her
And I don't want my son to not want to talk to me
And I don't want to fight with my wife- the love of my life
I don't want any of those
What was I thinking then?
Was I really seeking justice to those reason that I gave that night?
And now I really know I really made the right decision
All I know now is my sincerity and devotion to you
I remember everything about us- every single moment of us together
Good and bad
The favorite food, the first time we ever talk 7 years ago (it will be 7 years since I known you on Oct 16), the last song you heard when we were together, I remember it all and so much so you becoming so predictable to me which is why I stop with all these surprises
And I think I've become predictable as well to you
And now I am not remaining in the darkness or becoming just a footprint in the moments in your life
I am standing as full figure there now- just me, the real me and no one else
And I intend to walk beside you to help you find what you seek
Like how you helped me
Frankly, I sometimes do wonder what you seek which is why I gave you the luxury of so much freedom and space that you need to breathe but I will always be there to let you know that you are not in this alone, that I am there to help you
Bebe, resilient. Today is her last show. She was back on Friday even though she should be resting, but she was determine to finish the last two show. Like her passion for theatre so is my passion for you. No matter what we will always get to the finishing line, but for you I don't think there ever will be one
The fact remains and still open on what kind of person I truly am
How many times have I cheated on all of my previous relationship?
The last one was pretty intense
Most of the time I was closing my eyes when I fuck her really
I felt guilty yet I am doing it- I was cheating on Bebe with some girl I brought from South Coast
I might have too much to drink but yet being me I was always in control
But I just did it anyway
I closed my eyes the entire time
I kissed her from top all the way down
and I still shut my eyes
And the next one the next night was all the same
I am still a fucking bastard to all the previous relationship
Which is why they never last
But with you I never did that though we were never in one
You were so special to me that there was no way I am doing that to you
I am not fucking you, I am loving you was what I wanted to say on the dance floor that night
Today's meditation was for me to relieve myself of all the toxication of the week and to prepare for the start of tomorrow and a new career
But then everything in our life is connected which was why it was brought to all these.
Which is what I am saying I am always here, because you are always there
I have soon all the success that is coming
And now there is nothing for me and Bebe for the future is there?
Seeing my decision is final
That is always the case for the all my relationship was that not.
I could show them the same devotion and sincerity I give you to them
But my heart won't allow me
That is my voice saying
I am old indeed, next year I will be in my mid twenties
But to rush things? I've seen first hand what it does
I believe patience is a key to a happy and peaceful life
I believe that was the reason why all my relationships didn't work out cause I was rushing them and was putting so much hope for them to carry me away from you
But they can never
This is the true me speaking- i would never have said all these if that was not the real me
That other guy would have hide so many things from you
And now I am thinking I am that other guy when I am with Bebe and my past relationships
Now I know
I love you, Athena
I am not that guide and all along you have peace because you believe in it
Me? I believe in mine as well
And my most cherish happiness will always be you
Now let me walk beside you and we will find yours- not a person, but what it is that you need to grasp
Find it in yourself
Break more of those walls
I know you can do it

Sunday morning (Afternoon)

2011-09-04T12:48:00.003+08:00

Spend yesterday in a droggy kind of way. I came back home from the previous night at 6.30am and the sky was blue and the sun was almost up and got into bed and set the alarm to 11 am- but being me my body clocks work in such that I will wake up at 7.30am. So I was up then just less of an hour of sleep. My mind was exploding! Had my morning coffee and Jay was still in bed. He came earlier then me thats for sure. Sat in front of the TV and watch repeats of shows I've seen during the week. I was not looking forward to the movie event in the afternoon. I got shower and change and myself look as presentable as I could on the "first" impression. Thank god it was nothing too big, just a simple stuff of catering and banners and posters! By then I had 2 lattes and a coffee. The kids had fun with the balloon guys and when everyone went in to watch the show I went in as well- thankfully my seat was a single seat all the way at the back of the cinema by the side! When the opening credits came in I doze off!- Hah! a good 30 mins or so of sleep or nap! Woke up and that smurf tune was being sang in the show and left about 15 minutes to the end of the movie so decided to go out for a smoke break and check everything has been tear down from our side. And that was that!
Met up with the teh tarik gang at Kallang Leisure Park and had dinner at Great World City and then went for dessert at Strictly Pancakes! And then pick up Faezah from the Kallang indoor stadium. She was watching that MMA fight or something. Then the 4 of us caught up with Jah and Khai at Vivo again- actually planned to hang at mangosteen but they closed early to our surprise! So we went to St James instead. And I swore I wouldn't drink- almost didn't just had 2 bottles of white wine. And I was rather sleepy by then. Faezah drove me back to my place and by then it was close to 4 am. Oh gosh, with the new job I got to be up by 6am! Here is to a new life. Oh yeah as I am writing this we are finally having the house clean- well not us, we do clean the house but we wanted it to be deep cleaning, so we got a maid to come in today to help do that! Oh well 10 bucks an hour for the house to be spotless is a good deal. So today will just be me and Jay! And I am hungry.

For you

2011-09-04T03:27:00.003+08:00

It was a great week really. I manage to secure a venue with the British Club- thanks to Dockers mate who came through good. Turns out the Guy Adrian was the Vice President of the Club. So all is well for the NZ and Australian team.

I just want to say I feel so good having to listen to what we want to say. I am not going to hide anything at all. I am going to start to talk- not in Spanish. But true from my heart. I made that decision a while ago, and I am sticking to it. A chance of blissful happiness which I would sincerely give up to be by your side to seek that guidance you look for- I will always walk beside you, remember! It's not valor on my part but it is something I am doing for myself as well. I love how we talk about our mutual understanding of what is happening, don't you? I can't keep my eyes off you the entire time and listening and understanding- you making it so much easier now. I am opening everything up as well and I hope it is not too late. I admit who I am, you seek the peace you want- and I will tell the whole world that you were that special person in my life. You see me now opening up by wanting to be in the pictures more to show I am here. I don't want to be a footprints in your life anymore, I want to be there standing and helping you along. You helped me so much, now it's time I helped you. And I tell you what- tell the rest to fuck off, cause if they can't cherish you as how you are then they shouldn't be in the first place, no matter what state of power they hold- it shows such immaturity and it really pisses me off when I see that really. Such a person doesn't really know much about themselves or life. They don't see themselves as who they are and wanting everything to be as how they want it, though they have their right and I have the right to speak my mind now. By all means, if you think that by doing such a thing will make you happy and content then do what you may, and you got to learn. I am really piss off. Nonetheless, I am going to talk more from my heart and mind. There is only one voice and that is mine alone. I don't hear that other guy who holds things back- no he has been gone for sometime. This is me and me. And now I want to help you- I am not going to guide you but I am Always there. I am telling you honestly now, I am really doing it. I will still write cause I love writing and allows me to draw back the memories of yesteryears and I don't care if you read this and I know that from last night you could see in my eyes didn't you? That standing in front of you was me- Effendy. Just me. I love you still and I always will no matter who I am with. I want to share the joy of my success with you and no one else. They are not entitle to it cause they don't know me as how you know me- not even my parents cause I can never talk to them. I want to travel the world and I meant it when I say "there is no one in this world that I would want to travel with except you". I want to see the mountains of New Zealand and I want us to breathe together the same air on the highest peak of it and by the way, I really want us to meditate together- don't care if it is in NZ or Singapore. I want to do that with you. I want to share what joy, happiness and peace I have with you and I want to be able to share your joy, happiness and peace as well. I want us to do that. To see the beaches in Maldives. To feel the solitude of being in such beauty and tranquility this earth has and us as mere beings. I want us then to travel through Europe and be immerse in its cultural spread to be open to such wonder of what was some of the biggest things that happened- There is Greece, Switzerland, France, Italy and Germany. I want us then to go to Malaysia, Hanoi or yogyakarta and siloso to have a feel of things that are closer to us and knowing such a place with such condition has its beauty. Then We shall go to Americas- Both northm including Canada and South. To learn that there is more than what we can pick from the TV, books or movies. I want to do this, and it is starting on your birthday. Just us and see the marvels and wondorous adventures we will have together. And know we still have each other no matter what. You saw it yesterday and yes that was all me- just me, honest, true and open and willing now to speak my mind. I am no rolling in the deep. I love you still and I will always. xx

2011-09-04T03:25:00.000+08:00

2011-08-29T22:36:00.003+08:00

Surprised the 'hungry ghost' with the chicken fried rice which I whipped up in the instance she kept complaining how hungry she was. A fast one at her place and now on my way back to Yishun for tomorrow. How fast time flies. Now my thoughts are clear abit. I know now what I should do. It is not going to be the easiest of choice and I will bear responsibilities for after it. Mine and mine alone. I would be content to make breakfast in bed for you every morning. However you like your eggs- poached, scrambled, sunny side or any way you like. I would be content to feed you the rest of my life. I will never let you go hungry. The simple thought of cooking can be so thoughtful to it's full extent. Something that I would do for you the rest of my life.

2011-08-28T23:39:00.002+08:00

Dreams come through
Old friends brings joy of the past
Of old promises I made
My niece who is big and grown now
Fell asleep in my arms
I remember when she was just this tiny baby
That I made a promise I will always loved and protect her
Remember when she small and was playing under the block and just learning how to walk and run and when she saw me coming back from across, she ran across the field to me and I lift her up with open arms
I might have settled down now
I remember everything you said
I remember every moments we had- good or bad
I remember it all
How do you expect me to just forget about everything
And I will never give all of it up
But I am willing to have it all back and give up everything I have now
I don't need you to tell me anything
My decision and I am answerable to it
No one can I put the blame on or be influenced by
That is me being me
To weigh it all upon myself
I see green as green
Blue as blue
My very own
Mine...

2011-08-28T23:33:00.002+08:00

I heard the phone rang
I hear its ringing
But I don't pick it up
I never pick up the phone
Never
Sometimes I wonder that phonecall was something important
It kept ringing
I still won't pick it up
I never did
I was and will always be scared of picking up that phone
I don't care who it is or how important that call is
I never pick up the house phone
I remember his voice
I remember it then and if I hear it I will get scared
The man who completely ruined me
The man whose voice was deep
Calling to look for my mom
I remember his voice
I hated it
It was from then I have never pick up the phone
He was the one who ruined it for all of us
I will never pick up the house phone

She is not the first one to ask me to do their laundry

2011-08-27T20:40:00.003+08:00

2011-08-27T20:37:00.001+08:00

2011-08-27T20:29:00.002+08:00

Lol. Why I am known as the juggernaut back in Alpha? Firstly, my size. Secondly, I've been known to my men and the battalion during any outfield in the jungle, I will bash into anything making a path for the rest to go through. Irregardless of the obstacle or anything that is blocking. Thorns or no thorns, trees or no trees, thick vegetation or not- I will bash through, that's what my platoon was taught and what I taught Huzairi, which is why I made him and Khairi the front security team and I call them my mini juggernauts! When I say bash- WE BASH!
Cause fact is, if you think it is a dead end, especially in the jungle and having to navigate but is blocked by something then you have to make your way around it- making getting lost of the direction very easy and you end up lost in there!

Zombie The Cranberries (Eliana Narvaez Passionate Cover)

2011-08-27T20:19:00.000+08:00

LOL. I loved this. She is so adorable- look at that emotion! So into it!

Rolling in the Deep - Adele Acoustic Cover (Jorge and Alexa Narvaez)

2011-08-27T20:15:00.000+08:00

I love this. This is so adorable. I was smiling while watching this. I want to do something like this with my child as well. =)

2011-08-27T19:58:00.002+08:00

I stood at the top of the steps
Looking out into the vast green of nothingness
Blue, blue was the color of the sky
Picturesque scene
I stood there with a cigarrete in one hand
And holding a cup of coffee in the other
I was bearing witness to such marvel
A deep puff and I blow the smoke upwards
Sipping from the cup of coffee
Taste bitter and strong- the way my preference for it
I took off my shade and left it hanging at the front of my shirt
Why should I be veiled behind it
When beauty has to be seen as it is
The sun keeps getting in my eye
But I didn't mind at all
I felt its ray on me
Staining my already dark skin
I don't mind it one bit
I just want to feel everything in that moment
I continue smoking
I continue to watch
Thoughts may run through me but it did not disturb the moment
I grew immune to it
I turn around and I saw her walking up the steps
When she got to the top
I greet the morning to her with a kiss and a smile
I stubbed the cigarette and hold her hands as we walk away
I gave the view one more look, though I know I will be back
- I love my smoke breaks- one in the morning and after lunch. I love to look out that vast field of green. I just love it. =) =)

2011-08-27T16:07:00.004+08:00

I've been closely listening to the candidates for presidency lately. One who promise to take moral challenge against the government if it is in the way of not benefitting the citizen will definitely not get my vote. First of all, the primary role of the president here is to take care of the nation's reserve. He does not have direct or any executive power in parliament. So if you going to tell the government off using moral powers per se, is totally useless! So I am left with two. Certainly I won't vote for someone who has background and active role with the ruling party. It is sort of the extension of them. The tides of change is beginning and we don't need this. We need someone neutral that is my belief. So of the two remaining I have to choose. Hmm....

___________________

Another week to go before I start at the new place. Part of me am looking forward to it part is having a heavy heart. I still have to meet up with a representative of Timber group next week. Cause I am planning to do a collaboration with them with centaurs- got the go ahead from tim. Celina doesn't know yet though she was copied in the email correspondence between me and them. And another meeting with republic poly on their industrial attachment with us to help further future relations between us and them. We are looking at the future in the local institution which me and celina are working on. Looking at this from an operations and business development point of view. It is going to be hard on my part to be actively involve with the other job requiring me to work. Tim understands where I am coming from- which is why he allows me to do this. Celina will want me to take over her, but I want more projects with more budget that I can work with. But I will never leave behind the peoole who gave me this chance which is why I will keep working for centaurs on the side in a manner of behind the scene and hush hush manner. Cause I am obliged to keep to my end as in the contract with SAP at mapletree business city- which states I am only allowed to work for them during the duration. But fuck that. No one really sticks to it. Not even me!
I got loads of get together next month as well. Oli leaving centaurs and going back to England and we will be having a get together at east coast no sign board restaurant on the 6th. Then on the 9th got a get together with the fellow commanders cause Lt de Cruz and Nicholas are going to London for studies and then shikin's birthday celebration. Been a while since I last saw her, promised to play the drinking ash game! And I promised rob I would come down every wed for touch rugby- been promising him that for the past few months and will always have some lame ass excuse. Yesterday he brought up the one word that made me have to do it! "Rebecca". He got Rebecca to call me and ask me to play touch and so I have to now! She promised to do it with me once the show season ends. Oh man! I prefer soccer over rugby!

2011-08-26T22:07:00.002+08:00

Today I wrote 2 letters of encouragement and motivation.

One of which was for two of my fellow Commanders back in Alpha- My platoon commander and the Eugene, my fellow Assisstant Platoon Sergeant who will be going overseas for a month for their Ranger course. It was sparked by my Captain Rudy who started it.

It is not easy going through the course. It is one of the prestigious tab in the Army.

"To Ah boy & Wheelock Place,

Just want to say how proud me and definitely everyone else that you guys are going through this! I am proud to be once part of the platoon alongside the two of you. The things we gone through- or in my words “after what we been through”. You guys made my time at Alpha Platoon 2 the most memorable. Lt. Lock, quickly get the new PES game! I am still the CHAMPION! I'll buy a PS3 soon and you can come over my new place and we can fight it out, I'll give you a headstart . Out of 5 games, you can win the first 2! Hah.
Euegene, when you get back we go *expletive* KTV. I got some lobang! Baik one! But standard these kind of *expletive* got tattoos! But can one! Lol!
Remember believe what your heart will do and what you were made to do. Do the best and fight long and hard for that tag. Try to remember that the fact you guys are there was because of that four words that lift the best from the rest- “a little bit more”. You guys have made it this far so “a little bit more”.
Lt Lock your seat at TRADOC is waiting for you. This is just the beginning.
Eugene, the best Encik in the army soon!

Rangers lead the way!

Here is something I read somewhere:

“Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 mins;
He stay awake for days on end...
You take a hot shower to wake you up;
He goes days and weeks without running water...
You complain about how hot it is;
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow...
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong;
He does not get to eat today...
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't;
He does what he is told...
You walked down the streets staring at all the pretty girls;
He walks the track for his patrol duties and likely to get into an ambush...
You get mad when you have to share your favorite treat with your younger sibling;
He shares what little bit of anything he has with the men around him... “

Meet up soon when you guys get back!"
____________________________________________

The second one was to Ayeen, who is lost after breaking up with her boyfriend recently and was sharing with her:

"I've loved a woman for 7 years and still am even though the space that is between us now is devastating. I've loved her with the intensity of my very being till eternity takes it's sweetest bow. She taught me about life, she taught me of happiness. That it doesn't entirely lie in another person- Happiness is what you, make yourself out to be. Sometimes people who are so in love with each other often forget about themselves. We define ourselves as who we are- not at how society or the person standing in front of you would want. The decision and choices we take lay the foundation of our own being.
You just prove a point that we can never let go of such feelings. I never did as well. I don't entirely have a solution for it- its more of a feeling that is eating inside of you, like a poison that is slowly devouring you from within. And we can't do anything about it, but we can suppress it.
I learned that we could meditate- not in the chanting of mantra or to forsake your religious belief. It is a very good practise to just be in the state of peace and calm. Work sometimes would deter you from getting to that point, but it is but one of the obstacle to prove how strong you are. When you are alone, sit somewhere quiet. Close your eyes. Clear the mechanism of all the surrounding. Then in your thoughts or you can mutter any word in your thoughts then to breathe in slowly and breathe out slowly. Breathe slowly. Then thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Then breathing. Breathing. Breathing. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. And so forth. And then take a slow walk. Left stepping. Right stepping and it goes on. It sounds stupid but it works. The function of the mind works in relation with the heart. The mind controls the movement of our body; whilst the heart is the engine that brings the essence of it. Our mind picks up on it and it enables our mind to take action through our movement. It helps lift those smoke and you have a clearer sense of things of yourself and your situation- because it is hard to think and do so many things, and most of it does not matter to us entirely. The aim is to focus on ourselves. Another way is to find solace in religion, because in its belief that helps to soothe us. Do not look entirely to God, look entirely at its meaning and the messages. It is not entirely a way of achieving enlightenment of a divine state, but to that of your own being, that it helps in the senses and having a clear way of looking at things without forsaking any religious beliefs that you may hold- in a way to be out of the box. Because all these problems stem from within us and within ourselves we have to look at.
Reading maybe mundane, but it helps. Reading a book, gets you away from this world for a moment and sometimes unconsciously you picked up a book that seems as though it is telling your life story or even a problem. Such coincidence goes to show that we are never alone that there are others that has the same experience. But the ending of the books stops there, we however, keep writing it till the eventuality of our mortality. Books do not have the answer but to read of such characters that relates to us makes us feel relieve of sort. May I recommend books by Haruki Murakami. His books and characters deals with social problems, taboo, life, and importantly love both in the loss and finding in a surreal kind of way. It is so vivid and so wonderfully written- Books like Sputnik Sweetheart which I would quote from the book- “and it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest instant. The next instant we'd be in absolute solitude, until we burned up and become nothing”. It is by far my favorite book.
Writing. Writing is another way of helping to relieve it. Write in a book or a diary or anywhere, write what is in your mind and heart. Write anything! Anything at all- it is a form of expression rather than have it bottled up. Of the past, the present, or the future, a life story of your own in your own words and writing. No one has to read it but you! Then somewhere you can read back and look at your present state later on. It is what memories are made of.
These things that I was taught helped me through. Though you think you were made for each other which means that you have to be together, but that is not entirely true because true love has to break down wall- Just like what Plato describe in his allegory of the cave. That there are more than what we have beyond this plane of reality- or in this instance, love. That finding your own pursuit of happiness is more important than any accomplishment you can achieve.
Again I am just sharing. We are answerable to ourselves and our own action, we do whatever it takes to make us happy. And for me, all of these helps to relieve that lingering emptiness and hurt. Some people confide in friends which is always the best because they are the people we left our trust with, but again they shouldn't give you answer nor should you be influenced by their thoughts- they don't determine your life. But you have to be opened to them."

2011-08-26T21:56:00.002+08:00

My brother was begging my sis-in-law to help him get out. That was what I heard. It saddens me and bring chills knowing about that. My sis-in-law said she would do something about it. She was scheduled to meet the officer in charge there next week. Please for my brother sake help him. Only you can, I can do so much. Help him.

2011-08-26T21:52:00.002+08:00

I came back this evening with the intention of doing my laundry, while sitting on the couch having some wines and reading a book and listening to Sade's music- which I did. Bebe is at her show, so alone time for me and post-Matt weekend. Then to my surprise Jay came back early tonight and I was napping on the couch and Jay coincidentally was singing rolling in the deep by Adele as he came walking in drunk at 9pm!! I love that guy.

2011-08-26T03:57:00.000+08:00

Stay with the unknown?
I am a man of pratical nature
But I take the risk
No matter how bad a deed I do I am always that gentleman
I put others before me that is my nature not because of nobility
It is what defines me
I can't be as evil as I want to be
That is not me
Sure I messed up in the past
And I tell you that is something I regret
How real is my life? it is real
I hate and love my parents
They gave me life and supported me in all my life decisions but I can't forgive them for what they made me go through
Slamming of doors and the constant fighting and the cold bitter quietness that I witness- I didn't know what to make of it
I love my older brother but I can't stand the rest
He was always there for me unlike the rest
I cherish the small group of people whom I call friends cause they gave me a sense of belonging and understand me
I will never bite the hand that feed me
I remain loyal and true to the people that gave me the chance and opportunity
I blame those who took advantage of my kindness and regard them as my enemies
I fuck around yes
I am an asshole of the grandest kind
Yes I am a fucking asshole
I work hard for what I am doing
I thrive on success and wealth
Though I never get to enjoy it's benefit, whatever I earned I would spend it on others
Because I don't find the need for myself
I don't use it to go shopping or anything else
I find that in life one has to be kept simple even with all the wealth you have
I have a 20 dollar digital watch, a pair of jeans, some shirts and tees that has been around for years, a suit and pants, a pair of shoe which I always wear, a slipper, a pair of nice shoe and that is all
Keep a life that is simple
I moved out because I didn't want to be around my parents and seeing a home that is depressing- that was my main reason
I am not capable of fixing it
I don't regret it
That is how a bastard of a person I am as a son
I loved a woman for close to seven years now
Everything that has been done has been done
Everything that has been said has been said
And in those times I found companionship to help me
Never putting too much faith in any of them
Now? now I might have found the one that surpass such expectation
Maybe because I might be getting old and to wait around somehow grew exhausting for me
Age is an indication of the passing of time in life
But my heart will always be the same in this life and after
It is the ultimate promise that I made
I am, if you will, a determined person and stubborn at time
No matter how tired or disorientated with life
I will still be there for everyone that means the world to me
Sometime proving time and time again that statement can wear you down
But being me I never give up and I never will
A fucking asshole who does that
That is me and my life
And I am happy that it is mine
Truly happy

2011-08-25T15:38:00.002+08:00

Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
Standing. Standing. Standing.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.
Breathing. Right stepping. Breathing.
Left stepping. Breathing. Right Stepping.
Breathing. Left stepping. Breathing.
Right Stepping. Breathing. Left Stepping.
Breathing. Turning. Turning.
Breathing. Right Stepping. Breathing.
Left stepping. Breathing. Right stepping.
Breathing. Left stepping. Breathing.
Thinking. Breathing. Thinking.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.

2011-08-24T23:44:00.000+08:00

I am trying to be quiet as you lay sleeping
I write this to you so that someday we could read this again
Firstly, you never had the most glamorous sleeping position
You be all over the bed in the morning
I want to say I love you
I want to thank you for giving me the sunrise and the sunset
I was never truthful in some of the things I said
If you know what I did during those times you would never have forgiven me
But that was the risk we take right?
I love the fact how you are so great with children
How they call out to only you was just beautiful
And I know that you will be the best mom
Though never a good cook
Please no more mushroom soup for lunch; there is always the curry
I remember you walking in and out of the office checking the printer
when in fact you were checking out the new guy- Me!
I actually thought you were Rob's daughter
But bear no resemblance- his white and Claire is blonde and crazy
So for a week I was figuring out how that works
Till Celina told me
It took a lot of courage for me to ask you out for our first lunch
Claire told me how to observe you on how you eat when you are so hungry
And it was true, and I find it adorable that you talked to your food before putting them in your mouth
That mutter that you won't even tell me even to this day
I so love that- and I never met anyone who does that, which makes you so special to me
I didn't have the guts to ask you out for a date
I won't even called that "bumping" on my ass at KGC a date, till you came up to me and asked me out
That night we had wanton noodle dinner at Holland V hawker centre and then to Walla Walla
Talking about our family
Nothing short of a casual date
It was plain and simple and being me I loved it
I remember the jealousy when I turned up for your show at the Arts House with a stranger- to both of us
She really was someone I didn't know but I helped to purchase the ticket cause she can't pay using nets or had any money with here at that time, at the box office
And she was the one who suggested to sit with me
When she talked to you after the show I thought she was your friend
But you looked at me in puzzle and I knew I ruined it
It took me a while to finally explained to you what happened
I didn't know what was going on then with us
But it was on that second date that got to me, that trip to Steve's yacht
We were watching the sunset together and the first time I hold you close as we watch it
It was so beautiful- that moment in time that I would not forget
Our first kiss at the bench near the lighthouse at the dock
I knew then that this was it
That life could not get any better than this
You start leaving me "i love you" and "xoxo" notes on my desk and made every morning wonderful for me to start the day
I figure it was everything I could possibly want that it was there and then
That I have you and a job I be content with at least
I figure everything would be okay then when I got this new place so we could be together more and then ask you to marry me
Till you left to visit your grandparents in England
I thought I will be fine cause it wasn't the first time you were away
The past somehow creep up on us
And it happened to me
It fuels my passion in such a life- it made me miss that intensity that I had in myself
It was what defines me as ME
It came and totally blew me away completely and made me question the present
And now all I can think about is the bad things
That I was going to give up on us for that life again
It came at a time when my brother was in trouble and the growing uneasiness between you and Jason
And that got me going in doubts over us
And you wouldn't want to know what I did- really!
It happened in a moment when I was frustrated and in doubt with everything
I am someone who can never let go of my past- never
In an instance I would willingly give everything up for it
How could I tell the woman that I am with now that I loved someone with the greatest intensity of my very being?
I made plans for your birthday next week after the show
I really don't know what will happen after that
As you always say about the future "we'll see how"
I look at you now eyes wide shut
Listening to your breathing
You don't even know I have this blog
It tells so much and if you knew you will be totally devastated in it's content but you will understand why the past meant so much to me now
It clearly defines me
I wonder sometime what you dream of
I feel I need to meditate more to have a clearer sense of my heart and my mind to make me take the next step
Whatever that maybe you are special
Goodnight and sweet dreams
xoxo

2011-08-24T15:23:00.002+08:00

I went down to Mapletree just now to finalize the contract agreement
That big bonus is coming in March next year
Gonna start on the fifth of next month
It was quite depressing when I signed it
I should be happy that they offer such lucrative deal
And imagine the budget for the production of the events
I don't have to worry too much about cost
Though important to keep cost effective
Which is the case here; I have to come up with a budget but sometimes the budget was too little
No much I can work on
So I should be happy right?
Should be happy...

2011-08-23T20:51:00.003+08:00

What do you expect me to do?
I can't possibly do anything now
I could but someone's heart is going to be broken
I am too old to want to play this shit
I am at a point where it has to be serious
And I risk losing it all
I am risking to lose bebe
When my mind is still with my brother it still bothers me these thing
I can't do anything for the case of my brother
But this I could!
I try meditating yesterday evening
But again it senses
I was trying to come up with all the reasons for my love for bebe
But that was my mind making it's voice heard
I love her but she was there to help me realize that emptiness can never be filled
Next week is her birthday and the opening of her show equus
It really frustrate me

2011-08-23T15:07:00.002+08:00

LOL. Man gonna miss this place! =(

2011-08-23T05:10:00.004+08:00

I have two beds at two different places
Sometimes I sleep alone, sometimes I sleep beside someone
Most of the time it is the same person
I have two house at different places
Sometimes I leave behind people I loved for the other
Each with its own problems
I have two jobs now
One is something I am having a heavy heart with, the other is something I am starting to like
Huge windows makes me want to break it and jump out
Everyone is going so fast at such pace
It seems I have everything I could asked for
But no it is not
I want the people I love to be happy
Their happiness comes first before mine
I am still that person

2011-08-22T14:28:00.002+08:00

Weekends: The boys got back on in, bought a whole load of pirated dvds- Hangover 1 and 2, the whole season of entourage and family guy and some western movie. We went out to orchard towers again. Didn't feel like partying but what the heck Matt's last weekend- details as always with Matt are best kept to ourselves!
All woke up yesterday feeling so pathetic and weak. Went for a very late lunch at 3 at Marine Parade. We didn't even stomach it all in. So we took a cab back home and just wanted to sleep in after. The boys wanted to go to queenstown to get something, I didn't feel like going with them. Planned to take a nap but had to go catch Bebe for dinner. So we went to Kallang leisure park and went to eat subway! Then we came back and the last one with Matt we watched the whole Family guy season! That was that, gave Matt a goodbye hug and went to bed- his flight was at 6 am! so I won't be around to send him. =( He be back soon that is for sure.

2011-08-22T14:22:00.001+08:00

Different shades of blue

2011-08-22T13:54:00.000+08:00

2011-08-19T19:04:00.003+08:00

I come back to an empty apartment
It's so quiet
I put everything down and sat on the couch
With a huge window I stare out of it up to the sky
Magnificent. Beautiful. Lovely.
I forgot how it really looks like
The colors of blue slowly fades as the darker shades come
White fluff clouds passing by
It forms different shapes
I used my imagination and it defines itself- some look like kisses others look like trees
It makes me happy and peaceful
I sat and listen to my breathing while watching the world pass
I was clear in my thoughts
It was empty
The sudden things that have been bugging me somehow quiet down
All I can think about is you
I don't know why but it was just you in midst of all this peaceful moment
Each breathe carries your name
It adds the feeling of relieve to my senses
I find it fills me
I feel I have everything in the world but it seems I am empty
It is not a pain; but a just a clearness
I want you to see what I see now
Look up to the sky and just feel
It is floating in the sky, within the colors
It is not an answer
But an ecstasy of life that fills us up in it's simplicity
Nothing too complex but just feel it

2011-08-19T16:02:00.002+08:00

I am used to walking up staircase to get to the office. Not used to taking elevators! Throughout my career never have!
On another note: Jaggerbomb! Red Rock beers! Lemon Drops! Tequila! Here we go round 2and Matt's final stay! We gonna try to hook Matt up here to work.

Mumford and Sons, "The Cave"

2011-08-19T14:23:00.000+08:00

"I put strength in pain" - Lovely Friday

2011-08-19T12:46:00.003+08:00

I've succumb to the dreaded path of a capitalist life
I had a choice, but being me- a man of practical
I chose to go with it
With such a lucrative career, I see marriage next, car, house, and family next.
The choice between leading a care-free life was what I yearned
But my mind has always set on this
No matter what we say, we are all hypocrites
In a society that only welcome success through wealth, I've fallen into its clutches
I always wanted to become an artist- painting and drawing
To lead a life of freedom and joy and celebrate the existence of life
That was what I wanted
But now the pursuit has been set for a life that is unwanted in the first place
I wish you could take me away
I wish that I could abandon all these plans and just be there with you in celebrating such a life
I miss those times
You made me live for such
I will and always have
I want to see the stars like how I used to
I'd like to see life as it was once before
Not caring for tomorrow and making the best of today
I yearn for that again
I can say so much but my action is what will matter at the end of it
It justifies these words
My mind is now thinking of you cause the heart wants to speak
It is only through such specific function of each organ that defines such action
The heart brings the essence of our body
Our mind picks up on it and enable it to take action through our movements
Thinking, thinking is reservation of sort
=)

2011-08-19T12:07:00.003+08:00

After that meeting with Irene came back and made cream penne pasta- with sweet peas, beans, chicken and mushroom. Made a lot of it! and keep it in the fridge! Could last me for a few days! I love cooking and going grocery shopping. I love fresh ingredients! =)